There was no emotion in my blood.
There was no anger. There was nothing.
It was dead silence in my brain.
Dead, cold quiet.
He looked at me, he walked past me,
and then I heard my head.
It said, "Do it, do it, do it, do it",
over and over again.
The "Catcher in the Rye" of my generation.
Chapter 27.
My whole life has pointed in one direction.
I can see that now.
There's never been any choice for me.
You never find your identity by looking for it.
They say the United States has had its day in the sun,
that our nation has passed its zenith.
They expect you to tell your children
that the American people no longer have the will to cope with their problems,
that the future will be one of sacrifice and few opportunities.
My fellow citizens, I utterly reject that view.
- Hey, man, you're late. - I thought you weren't in till Monday.
The boss called. Arthur's ill. The new guy ain't here yet.
You're kidding. It's almost 11:30.
I know. I've been here since seven.
...will get things under way there in the music hall.
What's going on over there?
Someone jammed gum in the locks.
- Animals. - That's what I said.
...election day.
Before going to the polls, voters want to understand the issues.
- Have you called in? - It's all yours.
Voters will have an opportunity
to see and hear the major-party candidates for the presidency
state their views on issues that affect us all.
The candidates will debate questions on domestic, economic,
foreign-policy and national-security issues.
The questions are going to be posed
by a panel of distinguished journalists who are here with me.
They are: Marvin Stone...
Yes, hello?
Hello?
Bang, bang. You're dead.
Hello?
12 hours of work and I still can't sleep.
The days go on and on,
and they don't end.
My body fights me always.
It won't sleep, it won't eat.
The headaches are getting worse.
Thank you.
Hey. Mark.
- Hey. - What are you doing?
Well, it's very nice to see you too, Mark.
- Everything OK over here? - Oh, yeah, sure. Fine.
This is Makana. Makana, this is Mark. Mark is an old...
- I'm her son. - Oh, you!
Oh, don't listen to him.
I was never much of a mother to him. We were more like best friends. Weren't we?
Mind you, where we come from, that can be one and the same.
Makana's gonna take me surfing.
Bye.
My mother was a dreamer, moody,
right out of "The Glass Menagerie".
She was afraid of getting old and said she'd commit suicide when she turned 50.
She felt romantic about Charles Boyer,
but remote from my father.
I don't think I ever hugged my father.
He never told me he loved me and he never said he was sorry.
My mother always said he couldn't show these kinds of things,
couldn't show any kind of emotional love.
One time, he pushed my head in a plate of spaghetti.
Sometimes I fantasised about getting a gun and blowing him away.
She said she only married him to have me.
Normal kids don't grow up to shoot ex-Beatles.
All my life needed was a sense of someplace to go.
I don't believe you should devote your life to morbid self-attention.
I believe that one should become a person like other people.
I was starting to hate people.
The slightest rebuff or rejection would send me into a frenzy.
Bang, bang. You're dead.
Bang, bang.
You're dead.
I began withdrawing from the world.
I was losing everything I cared about.
You know, things used to be OK.
I just don't know if I can keep up, OK?
If I can keep up with everything.
Everything. You know?
You, Mom, my job.
I can't come down. In my head, I can't come down.
I feel like a victim right now, OK? I just feel like I have no control over my world.
Over our world - the world I want to give you.
I need you to understand. Do you understand?
- Yes. - Understand me. Please!
- We know it's you. - Yeah?
- If you persist in... - Oh, come on.
If you persist in harassing us, you'll be served a restraining order.
What do you think this is? You get people to buy into this,
then screw their savings and force them to take a second mortgage.
- This is your last warning. - God forbids man to destroy his own kind.
- Correct. - To destroy the sanity of another.
To destroy or enslave another soul.
If you persist, we'll call the police and then phone the medical authorities.
I'm sure you don't want to go back to the hospital.
Castle Memorial Mental Health Clinic.
June 21, 1977.
A science-fiction writer is not a god.
You're not a religion.
My life was either happiness or despair.
I had no stable sense of self-esteem.
I felt I was nothing,
a nobody.
I took refuge in public places.
I loved the library.
I loved the smell of books.
All that learning -
it's the essence of something orderly.
Miss Blakeslee taught me the value of books -
Thurber, Ogden Nash.
Once a month, she brought us in and taught us how to use the library.
I volunteered as an assistant.
Things you like as a child stay with you for life.
I was searching for some kind of guidance, a mission,
and, for my sins, I found one.
I hadn't read it since I was 16.
Now it burned in my hand.
It was like a current passing through my body
and lighting up all the cells in my brain.
Here was something I could identify with,
an unphoney way of life.
And the more I read, the more I saw myself in its pages.
I was actually becoming its hero,
Holden Caulfield.
I started reading "The Catcher in the Rye". I couldn't put it down until I got to the end.
And then I read it again.
And I held it between my hands and put it against my face and I inhaled deeply.
I read it again, drinking in the aroma of that faintly antiseptic smell...
..against my face... ..through my nostrils and my skin.
..drinking in the aroma of that faintly antiseptic smell...
..through my nostrils and my skin. A way to live an honest life,
an unphoney a way of life, a way that I can identify with.
I remember my mind is dishevelled.
It's ripped and torn. There is a tornado in my mind, circling around my brain.
Bits and pieces crashing into the walls.
A debris. Broken things, cloudy things,
things I can 't see.
- Well? - I don't see much point in it.
This is one of the most brilliant studies of adolescence ever written.
He sounds a mess to me.
Of course he's a mess. But he realises he's a mess.
He tries to express what he feels.
He's a human being, for all his faults.
- I don't like the way he talks. - I don't like the way you talk, but I listen.
I suppose it's very clever, the way he writes and all.
Gloria, I gave you the book because I thought you would identify with him.
With me. I'm Holden Caulfield.
He doesn't fit anywhere, and I don't.
- Don't you even read books? - I read books.
No, not magazines and travel brochures and books about Japan, but real books -
real books with emotions and real people.
Yes, I do, actually. And who says Japan doesn't have real people?
Well, Japan... You know what I mean.
That's... You need to understand The Catcher. You need to understand Holden.
If you understand Holden... How are you gonna understand me?
Real books. I'm talking about art and literature and, you know...
- things that people read. - Don't be so arrogant.
Don't you even feel sorry for him?
I was identifying with a 16-year-old boy in a book in New York City,
and here I am, a 25-year-old man in Hawaii who is married.
- Hi. - Hi.
I'm Holden Caulfield. He doesn't fit anywhere, and I don't.
- Hi. Take a deep breath. - I know. Sometimes I get aggravated.
OK. It's all right. It's OK.
It was a statement.
"Here is my identity."
"Here is where my pain is."
"l keep picturing all these little kids playing some game
in this big field of rye and all."
"Thousands of little kids,
and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me."
"And I'm standing at the edge of this crazy cliff."
"What I have to do, I have to catch everybody
if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they don't look where they're going
I have to come out from somewhere and catch them."
"That's all I'll do all day."
"I'd just stand there and be the catcher in the rye and all."
"l know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be."
"l know it's crazy."
Chapter 22.
Page 173.
Then I found another book.
Just as Holden Caulfield had bled through the ink of "Catcher",
John Lennon now entered my mind.
There was John Lennon on the cover.
He was on Liberty lsland, where the statue of Liberty is.
He was at the base of the Statue of Liberty with his glasses and cap,
with the scarf around his neck,
having his photograph taken.
I looked at the pictures of John Lennon
on the gabled roof of the Dakota building in New York.
Those photographs of him on the roof entered my mind
and they took on a life of their own.
And at some point, after looking at those pictures,
I became enraged at him.
Something inside me just broke.
The great John Lennon,
who'd told us to imagine no possessions, and there he was with millions of dollars,
and yachts and farms and country estates,
Iaughing at people like me who believed all the lies
and bought all the records.
It reeked of phoneyness.
Confirmation.
As soon as I saw that picture,
I knew I was going to kill him.
It was like I had been handed something.
A solution.
For the first time in years, all my thoughts were synchronised.
It's what Holden had fantasised about in the book -
killing the big fat guy in the hotel,
the pimp, the phoney.
- All done for the morning, sir? - All through.
- Yeah? Pretty rough night? - Oh, you know. The usual.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Well, you have yourself a good morning.
- You too. - Bye.
I'd found my identity, but I had lost my life.
Mark!
Mark! Mark!
I'd sit up all night and play Beatles records,
speeding them up, slowing them down,
interjecting my own words.
I would strip naked, gritting my teeth
and summoning the devil and wild things in my mind.
I was sending out telegrams to Satan.
"Give me the opportunity to kill John Lennon."
I'm 25 years old. I've made a decision.
My decision is I'm gonna go travel.
You're going to abandon your wife and your mother
and go thousands of miles away, and you wanna start with New York City?
- It's always about you. - It's not about me. This is about you.
You're the one who married a little helpless girl,
and now you're gonna go away and leave her - leave her under my care.
Gloria is not under your care and Gloria is not helpless. And neither are you.
So you take care of you and Gloria will be fine on her own,
and I'll be back before you know it.
- I'm not buying it. - Well, you don't have to buy it.
I know when you are lying to me. Now, if there is a real reason
why you feel the need to go back to New York City,
I want you to tell it to me right now.
My decision is I'm gonna go travel.
- I don't understand the whole thing. I... - You don't have to understand!
OK? I am just doing what I want to do.
You don't need to understand everything that I do.
"The phoney must die", says "The Catcher in the Rye".
- Can I help? - I need something for protection at home.
- OK. Anything in mind? - What would you suggest?
Well, if you get a.22 and a burglar comes in, he's just gonna laugh at you.
Handy little gun, it's fast, but don't do much damage.
But if you get a.38,
nobody's gonna laugh at you.
A fine, solid gun. Blue steel, snub nose,
otherwise the same as a police service revolver.
Now, that will stop anything that moves and it's handy, flexible,
it's lightweight, reliable.
You know, some of these guns are like toys, but a Smith & Wesson,
you can hit somebody over the head with it and it'll still come back dead on.
You can't beat quality.
Are you interested in an automatic?
How much?
With specialised grips,
169.
OK. I'll take it.
Hi. I'd like a ticket to New York.
One-way.
So long as you fill out a form and the firearm and ammunition are separate.
- And where do I get that form? - At the check-in.
But the gun has to be in your luggage. You can't take it on board.
- And that's it? - That's it.
- Thank you very much. - Have a good flight.
There's a smell in New York.
It's a scary smell and a cold smell and I'm frightened,
frightened of someone finding out my secret.
Gonna be in town long?
You ever been to the city?
Where are you from, bud?
They don't have traffic like this on main street where you live, huh?
Have you stopped to see Central Park yet?
It's great this time of the year.
A lot of snow.
Take me where the freaks are.
You are where the freaks are.
New York is all freaks. You're in Times Square.
This is about as big as a freak section as you're gonna get.
Have you ever seen John Lennon?
Yeah. He's around.
Seen him in town.
He lives up ahead here.
Matter of fact, he lives up by 72nd.
Oh, yeah. The Dakota, right?
Right up... That's right. You knew that, huh?
It's right up near 72nd. We'll be passing it in a minute.
He's kind of a phoney, isn't he?
That all depends.
On what?
On his music or his personality.
Maybe a little of both.
I guess you could say that.
You don't like music?
I did once.
What happened?
I found something else.
Yeah, that happens, you know?
- How much did you say it was? - 15.
- Here's 20. - Happy holidays.
I checked into the Waldorf Astoria.
Just like Holden.
I was like a boxer in the 27th round,
all bloody and beaten.
It's what Holden had fantasised about in the book -
killing the big fat guy in the hotel,
the pimp, the phoney.
...tonight, live.
If you've been anywhere near a television,
you already know that John Lennon of the Beatles is dead.
Something's gonna be happening soon.
You're gonna hear about me.
Are you, uh... are you famous or something?
Oh, no, no. I'm not famous.
I just want you to be aware that something's gonna be happening.
Here, turn left here, at 72nd.
- John Lennon lives right there. - Oh, yeah?
You can just pull over right up here, right around the...
- OK. - Right around that truck will be fine.
OK, let's see. Uh...
$7.80.
You got it, sir. How's that?
That's fine. Listen, you have a nice time in New York City.
- You too. It was a pleasure meeting you. - Pleasure meeting you too.
All right.
Strange guy.
- Thi... this is the Dakota, right? - Yep.
- Where John Lennon lives? - Yes, sir.
Wow. I can't believe I'm really standing here, right outside where he lives.
Sixth floor, right? Robert Ryan's old apartment. Can you see it?
Not from here. Not from here, you can't.
Rosemary's Baby was shot here, wasn't it?
I don't know. That's what they say.
So is, uh... is John in town?
I don't know, man. I don't think so. I haven't seen him.
I think he's travelling or something.
I'm from Hawaii.
Really? That's a pretty strong accent you got there from Hawaii.
I cased the whole building,
walked all the way around it twice,
just like an assassin would.
When we first moved here, we lived in Greenwich Village,
which is the arty-farty section of town, for those who don't know,
where all the students and the would-bes live, and a few old poets and that.
She told me, "Yes, you can walk on the street", you know,
and it took me two years to unwind.
Shooting a man is no easy thing.
It takes a lot of inner strength.
I can go right out this door now and go in a restaurant.
You want to know how great that is?
Or go to the movies. I mean, people come up and ask for autographs or say hi,
but they won't bug you, you know?
Don't forget what the Beatles have said. Take your records and paraphernalia
to any one of our 14 pick-up points in Birmingham, Alabama,
and turn 'em in this week if possible.
I'd found my identity, but I had lost my life.
"The phoney must die", says The Catcher in the Rye.
"The phoney must die", says "The Catcher in the Rye".
"The phoney must die", says The Catcher in the Rye.
Robert De Niro in "Raging Bull".
Let's hear it for the great Jake La Motta, ladies and gentlemen.
He was a fighter.
Why does he have to make it so hard on himself?
A winner. A loser.
I've done a lot of bad things, Joey.
In this typical town,
in this comfortable home,
three ordinary people
are about to live an extraordinary story.
I used to figure you had a handle for everything. You knew it all.
I know that wasn't fair, but you made us feel like everything was gonna be all right.
I really admire you for it.
Well, don't admire people too much.
They'll disappoint you sometimes.
I love you.
I love you too.
I had an experience in that theatre.
Somehow, in that brief time, my rage against John Lennon was defeated.
The volcano was capped.
I realised I had a wife at home who loved me.
Gloria, hi. It's me.
I'm coming home.
I've won a great victory.
Your love has saved me.
I was gonna kill him, but your love saved me.
You know what I'm talking about.
Gloria, listen. Just listen.
I was gonna kill...
John Lennon,
but our paths didn't cross.
You don't believe me.
I even got to know the doorman where Lennon lives.
I could've done it. Your love has saved me, Gloria.
I just wanna come back home to you. No one else. There's no one else.
I made such a big mistake coming here.
But I could've done it.
I really could've done it.
I lied to my wife.
I told her I threw away the gun in the ocean, which I didn't.
I told her it was over.
And it wasn't.
16 days later, I was back.
I told my wife I was going to find a new career.
Heavenly treasures are what the spirit of God gives.
And so the poor people are also... They have the spirit of God in them.
No, that's what I'm saying.
That's what the Antichrist said.
Hi. You gals waiting for somebody?
As a matter of fact, we were waiting for you.
It wasn't worth it.
I'm sorry. We're only teasing.
I'm Jude. This is Jeryl.
Oh.
I know. I heard John Lennon lives here. I was hoping to get his autograph.
- Is he around? Have you seen him? - Um, no, but he's somewhere in the city.
Good.
I'm from Hawaii.
You came all the way from Hawaii to see John?
- I'm a big fan. - You must be.
Well, I'm also here on business. I just thought I'd take a look.
Well, Jeryl and l are considered family.
Yeah, so much so that John and Yoko call us by name.
Sometimes they stop us on the street to have a chat.
Wow. I just want an autograph.
Oh, I should have brought a book or something.
Oh. Why don't you get Double Fantasy?
Even if you don't get an autograph, it's a great album.
Yeah, maybe I'll do that. They'd never believe it back home.
Uh... OK, we're going to go get something to eat now, so it was nice meeting you.
- I'll be here until at least midnight. - We'll see you later then.
Maybe we can all have dinner tonight. My treat.
Do you like Japanese?
"He was so nice. I just can't believe he was the one."
The more I found out, the more angry I became.
The guy owned five luxury apartments in the Dakota,
four farms in Virginia, Vermont and upstate New York,
250 head of prize Holstein cattle
worth more than $100,000 each,
a vast weekend home in Florida,
a 63ft ocean-going yacht.
This from a man who told us to imagine no possessions.
When I heard the homos next door, I flew into a rage inside myself.
They disgusted me.
Travis was right. One day a real rain 'll come and wash all the scum off the street.
Freeze! Police!
George C Scott,
Johnny Carson,
Jackie Onassis.
On the streets, among all the freaks and queers
and bums and whores,
I knew Holden was right.
It was all very clear.
Here is a little man who has nothing,
going against a giant phoney.
I wanted to go and shoot 'em all,
and I almost did.
But what glory is there in killing unknowns?
In the book, Holden checked out of his miserable room in a cheap hotel.
My $16-a-night YMCA full of queers
now became room 2374 at the Sheraton.
Hell to heaven in a cab ride.